Finally….

For those who might be reading and not have the backround, let me briefly provide some context, which is that at the end of October, my wife and I decided to separate after 16 years of marriage. Or more accurately, she decided we should separate, and I went along, not having much choice when you get down to it. Now, I wasn’t remotely keen on the idea at the time, and spent most of the next day alternately grieving and trying to figure out what I could do to change her mind. But after talking with a few friends both old and new, most especially the profoundly insightful and helpful MD, and her brother PR, I started to see how this was a good thing, and how what’s always been the most important thing between us (that is to say, my wife - AA - and I) has been our friendship. And since we are in so many ways very different people, both living together and the compromises that marriage require had been putting a heavy strain on that friendship for quite some time. And I started to feel a lot better, and very accepting, and a few days later I wrote up a list, titled “What I won’t miss”, and at that point I decided I’d be ok.

And we got her moved out at the beginning of December, and I have been ok. I’ve been rearranging the house to be more comfortable for me, although there’s still a lot to do, and really I probably want to replace of most of the furniture at some point - Danish Modern is ok, but it was really a compromise (see above) between her ideal decor (horribly modern and uncomfortable) and mine (Arts & Crafts). And although there have been a few brief periods of uncertainty about what to do or how to do it - I haven’t ever really had a home all to myself; always family, roommates, or girlfriend/wife. But it’s been cool, and I’ve asked a couple women out (they said yes, but ya know its the holidays, so scheduling….). Last weekend I was out with some friends, and was talking with one who hadn’t heard, and I told her, “Yeah, I went through my five stages in like 24 hours”. And this has all been fine, except that basically everyone, including myself, all our friends, and AA too, have been completely surprised that I was coping so well. But hey, that obviously means that at some level I’d been wanting this to happen. And yeah, looking back it’s clear we probably were done as a married couple maybe five or six years ago, but (a) I’m very change averse, and don’t push for it until I’m really desperate; and (b) between us there’s been one crisis or another of some sort all along until this year. So it makes sense that we waited, but also that we’re splitting. And honestly we’ve been getting along really well (although we haven’t talked money in detail yet, so that could change!) these last couple months - she comes over a couple times a week for something or other, and we have a regular weekly date to watch “Battlestar Galactica” and “Studio 60″ - she wanted me to keep the TV and TiVo, since she doesn’t want to pay for cable.

Anyway (sheesh, is that enough context for you?), today I got a tree for Christmas, or I suppose I should say Xmas since I don’t consider myself a Christian. But I’ve always liked the exchange of gifts, and the festivity that the decorations suggest and inspire. And MD thought we should each get one, and she’s been right about basically everything in this so far. So I got one, no problem, and I brought it home, and I opened up the boxes of decorations and where the hell is the tree stand grumble grumble back out to buy one at Target and now where’s the fracking tree skirt WTF grumble grumble next year I’ll know what all I have and I’ll know where all this shit is and I won’t put the stuff up where I need to drop boxes full of glass down from the top of a ladder etc etc. And it’ll be a fantastic looking tree when she comes over tomorrow to exchange gifts, so there!

And then I started to unwrap all the ornaments, and started finding all the ones we had bought together….in addition to whatever random stuff we picked up to fill out the tree, we bought one special one every year, starting when we were just living together, to comemorate the year, like the Mickey Mouse ornament we got on our honeymoon (Disneyworld), or the melting clock from the Dali Museum in St. Petersburg FL, to which we’d escaped when we couldn’t stand it any longer with my mother in West Palm Beach, or the plastic sushi to acknowledge the year we basically lived at the neighborhood sushi joint. And it crushed me.

And I had to sit down and just cry for a while, acknowledging the incredible suckiness of not getting to spend the rest of my life with this person who I love very much, and who I’ve thought of as my very best friend, although I don’t think I’ve ever been hers. Thank heavens the cat decided just then to come and sit on my lap - something she does does maybe twice a year - and purr up a storm while I petted her. That certainly helped me feel better. But still, I’m very sad again just writing this.

So what’s my point? I guess it’s this. On the one hand, it’s kinda shitty to announce you want to split up right before the holidays, and I’m sorta mad about that, even though its been ok for both of us until now. Two, although I’m going over to my friends JK and MB’s house for Christmas, I hadn’t made any plans for tomorrow night (Xmas eve), and maybe I should try to do so. And three, I guess I’m a little relieved really that the grief is actually there, beyond the initial bout which was really mixed with confusion and anxiety. Sometimes I wonder what’s going on inside my head, or more specially what isn’t. I know I’m not the only one because MD tells me her husband is the same way, but sometimes when I get really upset or irritated I feel like all emotions are just shut off and I’m just cold inside. (Do you watch “Dexter” on Showtime? I imagine that’s what he’s supposedly feeling all the time.) And I’ve wondered after every time that happens just how real the emotions I have at other times could possibly be, if they can just go away. OK, and obivously, the most common time for it to happen is during an argument that heats up beyond a certain point, and then I’ve been mean!

So does that diminish the value, or the quality, or the legitimacy, of the love I feel for the woman at other times? I didn’t think so, because goddammit, sometimes when I look at her, or just think about her, I feel like I’m melting with love, and would do anything for her, if it would make her happy. Which, apparently, includes making it easy for her to leave me. Oh well. Nevertheless, I started wondering again about how much love was left if I could give up that easily, and not really be sad for more than a couple days. But I guess I don’t have to wonder, since I can safely say that this fucking blows.

Jesus, I should probably go back and edit the hell out of this thing. But screw it.